Oh oh oh oh, when I'm dead and gone

Scarcely a week goes by without some financial institution trying to sell me a Funeral Plan. I'm sure it's my advancing years that prompts them; surely financing my funeral must weigh heavily on my mind. Moreover, my hard-won pensions are there for the picking.

The latest offer from Sun Life made sober reading...

The average cost of a basic funeral in the South West of England is £4,685

Notice that that's just the basic cost and doesn't include such 'essentials' as press notices, black cars for the mourners, flowers to bedeck my coffin, a church service with organist and appropriately cassocked vicar, a bun-feast in the pub and a lovingly inscribed headstone to mark my final resting place.


Over the decades the funeral industry has taught us what a 'proper' funeral should look like. A shining black hearse, black limos, a funeral director in pin-striped trousers, top hat and tails, a professionally-conducted memorial service... the list goes on.  Little wonder, then, that the cost of the average funeral has risen by about 120% since 2005 and is projected to rise by another 77% over the next 10 years.  With this increase has come a dramatic rise in the popularity of funeral plans, as families seek to shield their loved ones from this crippling cost. About 1.3 million people in the UK have a plan and 200,000 new ones are sold every year. I wonder who profits the most from that?  I strongly suspect that these plans are actually driving up the cost of funerals, since they literally bury the true cost from grieving families.

I realise that I must choose my words carefully. If you've recently been bereaved, and bidden farewell to your loved one with all the pomp and ceremony that you and your chosen funeral director could muster, then God bless you. Funeral services are, after all, primarily for the living, and if the last one you had to plan brought help and comfort, that's great. But such extravagances are not for me.

They'll still spend more than they should.
It's just another Funeral Plan advertisement 

Here are a couple of  things to ponder:

• Why does the coffin need to be present at a funeral service? Unless you're moved to open it, it's just a rather ornate heavy box that we take on trust to contain a body.

• And why, if you have a church service, does the vicar have to commend the dearly departed to God? I speak here as a Christian who really does believe in a life hereafter, but do we really think that a body that's been dead for a fortnight or so needs the 'ok' from a minister to release it from limbo?

I'm writing in my will that I would prefer a Direct Funeral, sometimes called an Unattended Funeral. My body will be taken to a crematorium (I really don't mind which one – one of the cheaper firms uses a crem in Lancashire), then my ashes will either be scattered or (for an extra £70) returned to my family. Costs start at around £1000, rising to about £1700 if one employs a local firm. Other costs that they may wish to consider include:

• A Service of Remembrance which, with vicar and organist, would cost about £300.
• Notice in the newspaper, at about £75... or why not tell everyone via Facebook?!
• Finally, how about a bring-&-share meal in a hall? Another £250 perhaps?

So bidding farewell to the late Angie Kay will cost at best £1000 and at worst about £2400 – a little over half the cost of that average funeral.



NB. I would like to assure my loyal readers that this post has not been inspired by the knowledge of my impending demise.  To the best of my knowledge I'm in splendid health.